California!!!

So we made it!! Well we have been here about a week now. We started out leaving Saturday morning from Colorado at 5 in the morning. The first night we stopped in Vegas and stayed at a cheap hotel which was not too bad. Then we left early Sunday and got to California around 2. There we found a little more expensive hotel that was HORRIBLE! You walked on the carpet and your feet were black within minutes. It was disgusting. So needless to say we left there as early as possible on Monday and came over to Fort MacArthur to get our boarding house. It is a cute fully furnished townhouse that they are boarding us in until our house is ready. The people that are there now do not leave until December 30th and then they need to get it all ready for us so we should be in there by the second week of January. It is an awesome house from the outside (I have not seen the inside)! It is on a hill and we have a massive view of the Pacific Ocean! I am really excited:) As for now we are in this townhouse and getting Christmas going at the last minute. We went and got us a little tree and decorated it. I grabbed a couple gifts from Sams Club and then ordered Santas gifts! They should all be here on time. Got all our gifts wrapped up and Christmas dinner bought. I must say for having to throw this all together on the run I am pretty excited we did so well. Anyways we got Taylor all registered at her school and we found a dance studio for her. We are trying to get Brecken into all his therapies and he has a school he will start in January. This place is pretty overwhelming because of how big and crowded it is but I am hoping I just get used to it. I actually used to live around here when I was little for a couple years. I am used to big cities being from Denver but this place is a whole different crazy. I am hoping where we move next is a little slower and smaller. Anyways we will see how it goes. I miss NC really bad. I miss how my house looked at Christmas time and all my friends and our church. I miss the kids school and the people there and all of Breckens old therapists. I miss being 5 minutes from the base and it actually taking 5 minutes to get there. We live 12 minutes away from the base here and it takes a good 45 minutes to get there in this traffic. I am happy though that I have my family all with me and that we are back on our own. The kids were all up at 4:30 so I am not sure if we are still going to try and go to a church today but we will see. I am ready to get out there and make some friends. I will post pictures when I get them on here.

Ready to Rock!!

We are so close to being done with this separation! Doug came home a couple times through the last couple months. This last weekend was Thanksgiving and it was our last weekend of him having to leave and go back to Arizona. Next Wednesday we get Doug home for good and then Saturday we leave for San Pedro, California!!! I am more then overly ready to have my life back! My own home, my dogs and just living our lives!! This last weekend we had a really fun Thanksgiving. We went to my grandparents house first and got to see my cousins and my aunts and uncles. This is half the crowd:) My family:)
4 generations of awesomeness
My baby brothers and I:) Then we had dinner with Dougs family.

So now we are just trying to get ready for our big move. Brecken gets his wheelchair Thursday and then he was approved for his speaking machine so we should be getting that once we get to California. We are still waiting on someone to rent our house out in NC. Doug got his new car which is nice. I am really happy he finally has a nice car and not my leftovers. Lol. He always buys me what I want and then he deals with whatever crappy car we have so he deserves a really nice car. It is a Ford Focus. We bought it for fuel efficiency since he will be commuting plus he really wanted the technology they offer. Apparently a computer in your car is cool now. One HUGE benefit of this car is we are planning on keeping it forever so when Taylor starts driving we can program the key to only allow the car to go 35 miles an hour. Mwah ah ah ah! I am so loving technology for our kids. Anyways he loves it and I am happy we finally have 2 nice cars. Well other then that we are getting ready to peace out of here and get on our way!! Pray for us!! 2 cars, 3 kids and 2 dogs sounds scary. Lol. I have already had many nightmares. I will post again when I have pictures to show of our place on the beach:)

Trying to Understand

So it has been about 2 months since Doug had been gone and we still have about 3 to go. I am so tired of this single mom gig. I am exhausted all the time. I love my kids more then anything but doing this on my own is getting hard. Breckens stuff has been taking a toll on me emotionally. We got his loaner wheelchair and seeing him in it was just hard. I love that kid so much and I cannot help but wonder if I would have taken care of myself better while pregnant that maybe he would not have to go through all this. I watched a show yesterday where the mom blamed herself for her sons disease and I could not help but totally relate with her. I don't know how many runs turn into me just crying and saying how sorry I am for whatever I did. My running is my only quiet time so that is when I think. I always wonder if anybody ever looks at me and wonders what I did to cause this. When Doug is gone I feel very alone in this with Brecken. I take him to all his therapies and when he has them at home I am the only around. I am the only one learning sign language so that I can teach my son so he can talk and if I am not there then nobody understands what he is saying. It breaks my heart to see him struggle so much. Some days you cannot even tell anything is wrong and he is fantastic but then there are days that he is so tired and weak and I just wish I could take it from him and be the weak one. I am trying but I feel like I am failing miserably.

Taylor has been my biggest help. She sees when I am struggling and I have no clue how a 5 year old can pick up on it like she does but she is amazing. I would not be getting through anything without that girl. She is just the most amazing little girl and I know she does not get that from me. That is all her daddy. My little rock:)

Bailey is testing me every time I turn around. You want to meet my mini me then she is it. She has been such a handful lately and it just reminds me of me with how hard she fights. I guess that could be a good thing. She is the best cuddler and she wants me all the time which makes me happy since the other 2 never did that. They would go to anybody.

Anyways I am just feel like I am on autopilot. I know Doug is doing this for our family and this is all the best but it has been hard. I need someone to lean on and he won't be back until December. My kids are the reason I breathe and never want people to think I regret any of this. I just feel guilty that I am not being everything they need me to be. I know God has called me to be who I am and to fight as hard as I can for my family. I am trying to raise my kids the best I know how and most of the time I am doing it solo. I have had my mothering challenged but I have never felt like I was doing a bad job until we moved to Colorado. I guess I need to quit looking around and start looking up.

September Update!!

August Update

Still breathing....sorta

So this has been an interesting month of fun. When we got here there was a massive hail storm and our van got it good. So we took it in and they said 10 days with has now turned into 3 weeks. LUCKILY the auto people said they would cover our rental since they were running late with it. So van should be done in a week. Next we got Brecken into Childrens Hospital to get him all going on his therapies and recasted for his AFOs (leg braces) and fitted for his wheelchair. He finally got into his in home Occupational Therapy. They want him to be seen more for Physical Therapy so that will be once a week in home and 2 times a month out at Childrens. He is still on a waiting list for his Speech Therapy which is ticking me off since that is the one he really needs the most. Anyways he should have his new AFOs in 2 weeks and his wheelchair by Halloween. He is getting too big for that stroller and we push him to walk as much as possible but his endurance is not great right now BUT his Physical Therapist thinks we will just need his wheelchair until he is 5!! She thinks we can get him strong enough to walk all the time by then. It has been a rough road to reign my children back in this last month and get my control back but I feel like I am getting them back to where they were before we got here. I think things will be better once Taylor is in school and we are not sitting around all the time. I am so not used to sitting like this at all. On a better note my mommies group is coming along nicely and I think it is going to be really great!! Anyways Doug will be out here in 3 weeks and I am looking forward to that. Also pray we get renters in our house out in NC!!! I do not wanna pay that mortgage! So yeah...I am still breathing....sorta:)

Long Beach California!!

See we found out that we are going out to Long Beach California next! I am torn. I am excited but nervous. I guess I just can't get excited yet. I am so tired. The kids act up so much more around people and it is making living here hard. I feel like I lose control over them here. I am trying to grasp on to the reigns as much as I can. I really need school to start for Taylor so she gets out of the house. I think that will help her a lot to be away from everybody and under different authority. Brecken has been doing okay but I see him starting to think he can get away with more. Bailey is just being Bailey. I am ready to just be in California. I need help and Doug is the best help I can get. I am not very good at living with people and I know most of the time it is not them and it is me. I am just not a good roommate. Well I will update more later:)

DENVER!!!!

Okay so I am SO excited to be back in Denver for 6 months. Everything makes me happy here. No humidity, it is cool in the mornings and we can open all windows, it is cool in the evenings which is a change from NC, we have GRASS and it is just so stinking beautiful out here. I never realized how much I missed the mountains!! So we left Monday right after fireworks with our friends. We were sad to leave everybody and Doug even said he was having a hard time not crying when leaving the Hansens. So we were on the road about 4 hours before we just pooped out but hey we got 4 hours out of the way. So the next morning we got up and started on our way again and got a good chunk in. We got to St. Louis and then decided to stop around dinner time. We went to bed early so we could get an early start and by early start I mean we got up at 1 the next morning. This made it so we could get to Colorado that afternoon. The kids did AWESOME the whole way and so did the dogs!! I was surprised on how good they all were. So we have been here a couple days and I am just loving it.
Brecken is obsessed with trains so we bought him a little set that we can add on and by obsessed I mean we have to tear him away from this things after he plays with it for 4 hours.

Taylor and her cousin Violet playing in Woodys cage. Grandpa feeding Bailey bug. I love it here:)

ER Visit

Okay so a couple days ago Brecken put a gash in his head. By gash I mean it was pretty big and nasty. Here is a visual:)
So I was in the dressing room and I walk out and Doug, Brecken and Bailey are gone. So I go back in and change to go find them. I have Taylor with me when I get a phone call from Doug saying he is in the mens bathroom and we need to take Brecken to the hospital. He seems calm so I figure it is a tiny thing. Doug says he "thinks" Brecken may need stitches. So I am not freaking out too bad. So Doug brings him up to the front and shows me. THINKS he may need stitches!!!???? Now granted I am the mom and I freak out a little faster then most HOWEVER I also know how fast things can get infected and how fast things go wrong when the infection is by the brain in which is in my sons head which is where the gash is. Plus being able to see my sons skull....yeah. So a cashier calls 911 (imagine that...someone thinks it is as serious as I do) and Brecken is a little out of it which is again scaring me since I studied sports medicine a little and understand what being out of it after a head injury could mean. The paramedics get there and get him in the ambulance and off we go. They take us straight in and we get a room. Another reason to call 911 people. If you want to walk straight in and not wait for triage then you call an ambulance (luckily we are military and all this is covered). Working in a hospital you figure out what you need to call 911 for and what not to call it for and how to work the system:) Anyways we get in there and Brecken gets wrapped up in numbing gel so they can stitch him up.Then the fun part. I got to hold Brecken down as they stuck multiple shots in his head to numb him completely and then they gave him 7 stitches in which he SCREAMED through. He was not happy at all. The doctor did a great job on his stitches. They look good and they are healing very well. We go in Monday to have them taken out. So after all that I figured Brecken would be tired and want to go home but he sat up and asked if we could go to lunch. Lol. So we took the poor kids to Red Robin (my kids call it balloons).This is only 2 hours after the whole thing. The ER was super fast. We were in there for only an hour:) So Taylor told everybody that Brecken split his head open and the waitress brought him an ice cream sundae:)So yeah it was an interesting day. On a more fun note Taylor finally let us get her ears pierced!! I know a lot of people ask why we did not get it done when she was a baby but I am not into that whole thing. I want my babies to look like...well babies. Plus I never thought earrings looked good on babies. SORRY!! Personal opinion!!! I am not saying it is wrong or anything I just prefer to let my girls want to get it done instead of forcing it on them. She did really good!She still made faces even thought she said it did not hurt. Lol.So this weekend my kids got a couple holes in their heads. My kids can really give me a heart attack sometimes. It is only the beginning....

My Little Superman:)

Today was Breckens last day with his Physical Therapist out her in NC. She is AMAZING with him and really works him hard. So today she had him on the stairs. My son cannot walk up stairs very well in or out of his AFOs. So today I was watching him and he was struggling so hard to walk up the stairs. I felt my heart hurt a little in watching him having such a hard time with them. Ms. Susan just kept him going though. I found myself looking at him and just thinking "Why does he have to go through this? Why must he have to work so hard for something so many kids (my own included) take for granted? Why my son?" I was almost in tears and afraid I may have to leave the room because of how bad it hurt to see him struggle....until he got to the top of those stairs and he looked at me with the BIGGEST smile on his face and his eyes said it all. "Did you see it mom? Did you see me walk up them? I DID IT!!!" Wow did he humble me. I was thinking his mountain was so big and feeling sorry for him and thinking of all the things he could not do (yet) and he was so excited that he did it! He was proving to me all the things he CAN do! My son is my hero!! Maybe God did not place him with us for us to help him but for Brecken to help me. He is my superman:) He is AMAZING:)

What if....

So we have known for about a month what is going on with Brecken and I know he is the same kid but it is weird to have him diagnosed. Anyways this is going to get pity party for a minute but I will end it quick. I have been getting frustrated because Brecken is not talking. We are teaching him sign language but he has such issues with his hands that he is having trouble with that too. All in all I get extremely frustrated with this. So there is a place in my mind that I will not allow myself to go. I call it the "what if" place. What if I would have tried harder with my dad? What if I would have rested more with our second pregnancy? What if Brecken did not have this? I chose to never go there because I believe what God has happen is all for a reason. When someone dies I never think "What if they were not in that car?" because I do not believe that they have a place to die but a time. This gets me through deployments because I feel that if God wants my husband he is going to take him no matter where he is whether it be in the middle of a war or getting hit by a car walking across the street. Anyways last night I let my mind go there. What would Brecken be like if he was where he should be? Walking normal. Talking. I watched some video of Taylor at his age and the difference is so huge it made me a little sad. She was singing songs and making up dances. She was talking in full sentences. This is how I pictured it all to be when Brecken got to this age. I just feel like as a mom I should not feel this way because I love him no matter what but I can't help but have my heart hurt just a little bit at the things I expected him to do and the things he is not doing and may never do. I am trying so hard to get rid of this sadness about all this but it just keeps popping up yet I always feel blessed that God picked us to be his parents and that we have him! I love him so much and I do not want people to think I don't the way he is. Just a bunch of emotions going on right now. We are about to leave and I am so sad about it yet excited at the same time. I am going to miss my friends but I am excited to get around my family. Life just changed so drastically this last couple weeks that I feel like I have not had enough time to catch up. There were always times in my life where I felt like I was swimming against the current but this is the first time where I almost feel like I am going under. I am trying to distance myself from people here so it does not hurt so bad when we leave which I know is mean but I cannot handle all that and all this so I am really sorry if I am doing this to you. I am going through a rough season but I know God is there and he is pulling me along. I know I am going to be alright.

Brecken Update

Cerebral Palsy

So we went back in and we already knew Brecken had PVL which he was tested for and this is an indicator for Cerebral Palsy. So we knew it was something we may have to deal with. Well we got the final final diagnoses and he does have Cerebral Palsy. Thankfully it is high functioning. So his official diagnoses is Cerebral Palsy due to Peri ventricular Leukamalacia. The PVL explains what part of his brain is injured and the CP explains what his body will do in response. The WORST part of all this is it is a sit and watch thing. They have no idea how bad he will get or how much better. There is such a wide range of how kids turn out that they cannot tell us what to expect. I am a planner and this bugs me not knowing what is going to happen. So here we are as of now. As most of you know Brecken has leg braces. He will be in those for a long time. He will only need a wheelchair for extreme cases where we are walking a lot but not for day to day activities. He will most likely always walk funny BUT he is walking which is awesome! Next his speech. Another thing we sit and watch. Some kids never talk and some do. His doctors believe he will talk at some point but it will sound funny and be slow and slurred. He says mama now but it is extremely slow and seems very forced and he does sound odd saying it. I do not care...it is music to my ears!! He says dada and it comes out smoother but still sounds odd. We are doing sign language with him now and will take classes to become fluent and he will use this as his main communication. I feel weird doing it since he can hear me but I am doing it and he is picking it up really fast and seems relieved he can finally talk! Also he has very loose muscles. He cannot control them all the time and that is why he still drools and has an open mouth all the time. He cannot get his face to do what he tells it to do. This is true for his entire body. Now he does have control but it is limited. He has trouble with his hands, legs and face as of now and when he gets really excited he pulls his arms up to his chest. CP reacts more intensely when people are scared or excited and that is when it is most noticeable. He also cannot feel pain in his muscles (the type of pain you get when you pull a muscle or the soreness you have after working out...he can feel pain like pinching or if he scraps his knee). He will have problems learning but he really can live a normal life. I have never known him any other way then the way he is so the way he is to me is perfection. I love him so much.

I have had one person ask me how I am doing. Like I said I do not know him any other way so this to me is normal. It is overwhelming to think about sometimes but I have high hopes for him since he is high functioning. I don't really know how I feel. I feel like if I am sad then I am saying he is not good enough but if I am happy then I am not dealing with the emotions. I am sort of in limbo right now. I have not really had anybody to talk to about it and I am feeling sort of secluded. I have too many people starting off with "it could be worse" and so I do not feel like letting out my emotions with those people...sorry guys but that is a really mean thing to say I think. It kind of makes me feel like I should not have any emotions about this and if I was to cry I would be over doing it. I know it could be worse and I know Brecken is at the good end of this and I am SOOO thankful for that but it still is hard to know I have a handicap son and not because I feel bad for me but because I want him to be able to live to the fullest and if I could I would trade places with him in a second so he did not have to deal with all this. I love my son and like I said he is perfection to me but it still hurts. So PLEASE no more "it could be worse"...I know that. Anyways that is what is up now and I will try and post more later. I am trying to keep this updated as much as possible because I know other moms have had questions concerning their kids and I just wish I knew someone I could talk to who went through something like this so I want to make sure you all know I am here if you need anything.

Diagnosed

Okay so we got a phone call last week from Breckens Developmental Specialist telling us that she needed to see us. I went in today and when they asked to wait for my husband I started getting nervous. Finally Doug got there and we sat down with Dr. Cooper. She went through Breckens labs and everything came back great. The EKG also came back clean. Next was the MRI. She showed us 2 pages explaining the MRI which I knew was not a good thing. She explained to us that Brecken had Periventricular Leukomalacia. His Corpus Callosum is extremely thin and this effected his brain in the areas where his brain tells his lower extremity's to move and this is the part of the brain that helps you learn by hearing. So he has a hard time learning anything when he is just being told how to do it and this is why he is having so much trouble with the lower half of his body. The cause of this was a blood clot that went through my placenta and in the 2nd trimester this is when this part of the brain develops and the blot clot traveled to this part of his brain which cause it to stop developing. There were 2 different outcomes to this happening. How Brecken is now or me miscarrying him. Thank you JESUS for letting me have my boy! So now the part where I ask what we do now. Brecken will be in leg braces for a while. How long depends on him. He will need to have special teachers and therapists until he graduates. He will have a crew of doctors by his side throughout his life. How far he goes in life depends on his fight to get there and us pushing him along the way. This is the part where she said she has seen many parents use this as an excuse to let their kid fall behind. First of all Brecken already is a fighter. When I tell him no that makes him want to do it and when I tell him he is too young and cannot do what his older sister is doing that makes him want to prove me wrong. I knew there was a reason he fought me every step of the way to prove he could do whatever he wanted and now I know why. I told the doctor I am not worried about his fight to accomplish things. He is already pushing himself!! She said if he pushes himself and really tries with our help then he can live a pretty normal life. So now we start the process of having a handicap child. She told us we needed to get handicap stickers for our cars and that he was not going to be able to walk as much as we do. Again she said how far he goes in his walking depends on him and us. She said if we raise our son to the bar and not lower the bar to our son then he will get further in life then most normal people much less people with this diagnoses.

I am not sure how I feel yet. I am still rolling around in my brain what this is going to be like. I have started to cry a couple times but caught myself because I do not know if I can stop at this point. I need to know before I cry that I can stop. I am torn because I am SO happy that after 2 years we finally have a diagnoses and that it is something that will not take our boy away from us (always a fear when a doctor calls and says they need to talk in person) yet afraid of what he will have to go through. I don't know yet. A whole other blog I guess. My heart hurts but I cannot figure out how to deal with this yet. I just know God will get us through and that He is here for me. My son is strong and he is a stubborn, bull headed little boy and that is what is going to make him great. I love him so much:)

A Mothers Wanting for Children

One of the things I have wanted more than anything in my life was to hold my own children in my arms. To wake up to the noise of children making each other giggle but then shooshing each other because they may wake up mommy and daddy. To hear little tiny feet slap the floor as they run across the kitchen. To walk in and have the room completely torn up but they are all getting along quietly in the middle of it all. To have them all drive you up the wall all day but when you put them to bed they tell you how much they love you and that you are the best mommy ever and grab your face to lay a big sloppy one on you. This is what we do as moms. This makes us want more (or not) but for me I wanted more of that. I love my kids and the thought that I have to stop having them breaks my heart. After we had Taylor we got pregnant and we ended up losing that baby. Then we tried for the last few months Doug was in the same country and then he was gone for 10 months. Once he got back we tried for 8 months before we FINALLY conceived Brecken. This in my life was the worst ever. Losing a child and then not being able to try again. Once being able to try again and then not getting pregnant. This was a point in my life where I just could not understand what was going on. Was Taylor a fluke? Was I broken since I could not hold on to the second baby? Trying to deal with these feelings and trying my hardest to be content with what I had was impossible. My friends were getting pregnant all around me and I was getting no where. What was wrong with me? I was miserable and so was my husband. He saw me take test after test only to watch me come out of the bathroom and say that it was okay only to go and hide so I could fall apart. I didn't understand. Why would God put this fire in my heart to have more kids but then hold it back from me? I was a good mom! I was praying and going to church and getting more into the Word then I ever had before. I was taking my temp and tracking my ovulation days. We were on time with everything. We were doing everything right!!! I did not understand!!! So we decided to go and get prayed over at church one day. Maybe God would hear a Pastors prayer more clearly. As we had 3 pastors pray over us I felt this was what I needed. After wards I had one of them come up to me and tell me that God had told him to tell me to stop trying. Relax. It was not my time. He needed me to be content with what I had. I went home that night and completely broke. When I say broke, I mean on my knees and sobbing. Finally at the end of this I started praying and then I told God I was okay. Not just okay but really okay. It was at that moment that I was okay with being a mom to just Taylor. If that was Gods plan then I was blessed to be a mom in the first place. This was the first night in almost over a year that I was not just saying I was okay but I was really content. I just felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. That night we conceived my son:) I don't know if it was the pastors praying over us or just me finally giving up and letting God take over but it worked. I know I have told this story and the reason I am going back into this is because I have a good friend who is right where I was when Doug got home from being deployed. They have been trying and unsuccessful. She is watching her friends get pregnant around her and trying to be happy for them but I know how much it makes your heart ache inside anyways. She wants to let go but trust me this is so much easier said then done. I mean it took me 21 months to let go (wow I did not realize it was almost 2 years of wanting Brecken) I remember praying all the time for peace and comfort and it worked but not at the level I wanted it to. I wanted to be numb to it. Anyways I just want to ask you to pray for her. This was one of the most depressing times in my life so when I see her I know how hard this is for her and how bad her heart hurts right now. I know there are worse things and that many people we know have been through worse but this is our hurt. This is the one thing this girl and I were meant to do and really the only thing we ever wanted to do so fighting with this is extremely hard in our eyes. I just pray she has peace and comfort and that she knows what an amazing mom she is and that she will get pregnant and that God would not put that fire in her heart if He was not going to make good on it. We love her family and just want the best for them so pray for them. Thanks for listening to my rant. This just really hits my heart when I see her going through this. She is very loved and I hope she knows that:)

We never lived in Kansas Toto!!

7 week update!!

5 weeks out!

3 weeks after Surgery!

Week after Surgery:)

2 days before Surgery!

2 Weeks Before Surgery!!

Update January 31st!

Tell Me All!!

The Beginning

Letting It Hurt

We got on the subject of miscarriages at mommies group this week. I was not surprised that many of us had lost a baby in utero and that people had told these girls that it was normal and that they should suck it up and deal. Losing a child is never easy no matter when the lose.

4 years ago Taylor was 6 months old and I had found out that we were pregnant again! I was extremely excited to give Taylor a baby sister or brother. I went in and got a pregnancy test done and everything looked good. We went on with life as usual. I went and bought a baby book and started filling out the new chapter of our life. A couple weeks later I started to bleed. I went into the ER and they did an examination and found out that I had lost the baby. Doug had to go to the field so I went home with Taylor and put her down for a nap and laid in bed while I lost our baby. I was completely broken by this. How could my body fail to hold on to this little life? As I laid in bed I just cried out to God and told Him I could not do this. I was hurt and needed Him to help me understand. He then very softly and lovingly told me that that baby was not mine. The baby was His. Taylor was not mine. She was also His. And then very softly He reminded me that I was also His and that He was not going to let me go. He was going to lay there with me and just hold me. I cried for hours until Taylor woke up.

This was my story on how God and I became closer. Doug then deployed a month after that and I was hurt that we could not at least keep trying. I had friends around me getting pregnant like crazy and this also drove me nuts. When Doug got home 10 months later I was ready to keep trying. After trying for 8 months (which was long for us since we got pregnant the other 2 times within the first month) I was angry. Why would God put this fire in my heart to have another baby and not let me have it? That is when I heard the song Surrender by Barlowgirl. It talks about having your dreams and not wanting to let them go and God is whispering telling you to let Him have them. Even when you think you will not get what you want. That day I cried through that song and told God I was okay with that. I had a loving husband and a beautiful daughter and if that was all I got then that was more then I deserved and I was ready to be the wife and mom I needed to be. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of me and I felt happy. For the first time in a long time I was really happy. That night I conceived my son Brecken. I now have 3 miracles and I still have that baby book and will tell the kids that they have a brother or sister in heaven. My arms still ache to hold that baby and my heart still hurts sometimes but I know my child is with Jesus and my dad now. That makes me happy to know!

All in all when people tell someone they should suck it up after a miscarriage I find this sick and extremely sad. If you have had a miscarriage, you have lost a child. God told us He knew us before we were conceived which means life starts at conception. You held that baby in your body and loved that baby already. You lost a child and you are most definitely allowed to mourn and remember that life! Don't let anybody ever tell you different! Just know God loves you and everything happens for a reason and for His glory! I know now that Him taking my baby home was something I needed to go through to realize I need Him and now I can use this to help others. Let God be the rock you lean on!!

New Years Resolution!!

Here are my New Years Resolutions to have accomplished by the end of this year!!

• Get down to my goal weight!
  
• Pay off the remaining bad debt! We do not have much left so we should have it done by summer!!

Lol. Well that is it. Short list because life already rocks!! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!