What if....

So we have known for about a month what is going on with Brecken and I know he is the same kid but it is weird to have him diagnosed. Anyways this is going to get pity party for a minute but I will end it quick. I have been getting frustrated because Brecken is not talking. We are teaching him sign language but he has such issues with his hands that he is having trouble with that too. All in all I get extremely frustrated with this. So there is a place in my mind that I will not allow myself to go. I call it the "what if" place. What if I would have tried harder with my dad? What if I would have rested more with our second pregnancy? What if Brecken did not have this? I chose to never go there because I believe what God has happen is all for a reason. When someone dies I never think "What if they were not in that car?" because I do not believe that they have a place to die but a time. This gets me through deployments because I feel that if God wants my husband he is going to take him no matter where he is whether it be in the middle of a war or getting hit by a car walking across the street. Anyways last night I let my mind go there. What would Brecken be like if he was where he should be? Walking normal. Talking. I watched some video of Taylor at his age and the difference is so huge it made me a little sad. She was singing songs and making up dances. She was talking in full sentences. This is how I pictured it all to be when Brecken got to this age. I just feel like as a mom I should not feel this way because I love him no matter what but I can't help but have my heart hurt just a little bit at the things I expected him to do and the things he is not doing and may never do. I am trying so hard to get rid of this sadness about all this but it just keeps popping up yet I always feel blessed that God picked us to be his parents and that we have him! I love him so much and I do not want people to think I don't the way he is. Just a bunch of emotions going on right now. We are about to leave and I am so sad about it yet excited at the same time. I am going to miss my friends but I am excited to get around my family. Life just changed so drastically this last couple weeks that I feel like I have not had enough time to catch up. There were always times in my life where I felt like I was swimming against the current but this is the first time where I almost feel like I am going under. I am trying to distance myself from people here so it does not hurt so bad when we leave which I know is mean but I cannot handle all that and all this so I am really sorry if I am doing this to you. I am going through a rough season but I know God is there and he is pulling me along. I know I am going to be alright.