Who wants to be 4....BRECKEN DOES!!

A Jake shirt!!

 So here we are with our BIG 4 year old.  We asked him who wanted to be 4 and he always says "ME" and Bay says "Brecken does!!"  He had a lot of fun!  We woke up and let him open his gift (some are still in the mail) from grandpa and grandma and then one from us that was on time in the mail.  We got him a Jake and the Neverland Pirates outfit for his party!

Superhero book!  It has stickers and pages that you can stick and re-stick....he really likes this book!

 He got a sticker book from grandma and grandpa and he loves this thing!  It is really cool.  It was hard to let him do it and not take it away so I could do it :) 

He asked for chocolate chip pancakes:)  They were YUUUUUMMMMMYYYYY!!

 I said he could have whatever he wanted for breakfast and he saw a picture of chocolate chip pancakes on Pinterest so that is what we did.  They were really good.

He dressed up like Jake

Here is the cake!  We all got our pirate gear on....argh!

 We had a BBQ for him.  All our friends showed up and had some fun!  We only invited 3 families and between all of us there were 15 kids so Brecken had a blast! 

He kept trying to blow out candles before we were done singing.

More presents!!

I love these kids...all our friends here in the CA!

All in all it was an awesome day!  He got another couple outfits (which mommy loves) and another couple toys (which Brecken loves).

Brecken~

I cannot believe you are already 4 and I cannot express how in love I am with you!  I have loved being able to see all you have done the last 4 years and cannot wait to see all you are going to do in future years!  You are an inspiration to many and so many love you!  You are an awesome big brother to Jayce and you are a pain to your sisters but it comes down to it you always show them you love them and protect them.  You are amazing!  Daddy and mommy love you so much and know while you are little we will always stand in front of you to lead and protect your, when you are older we will stand beside you to take your hand and be with you and when you are old enough to be on your own we will stand behind you to encourage and love you always.  We love you!!!  Stay you and always stay smiling!!!

Mothering ALL my kids!

So I just saw a post from a mom whom I started following who has a special needs son.  Same thing as Brecken and about the same severity.  Her son is 9 now so I really like reading what she is going through as a mom and how he is doing being that Brecken seems to be on the same track.  While I agree with some stuff she says there are certain things I do disagree with.  Today she had written an article about how mothering is the most important thing for a special needs child.  Yep...I agree....however the article was so focused on her special needs son there was no mention of her daughter.  I often do this too when I get on a role about how hard it is to mother a special needs kiddo.  I love my son so much and I hope he knows how much I adore him and yes taking him to all his doctors, therapies and such is a lot.  I never imagined I would be doing this once I had a family of my own.  My life literally revolves around Brecken more then any of my other kids because of his needs.  I often catch myself hearing other moms talk about how hard their day is with all they have to do and think "try throwing a couple therapies on top of that" or "yeah in the middle of helping one kid with homework I am rushing my son into a warm bath because he is having painful spasms in his legs".  I try not to do this because I understand how hard being a mom is period.

As of now yes my boys take more of my time but my girls are definitely taking more of my mental sanity.  Haha.   So personally I think mothering is the most important job no matter what.  For all 4 of my kids.  I try and get to where they all have something in their lives.  Taylor is in gymnastics so that she has something that is for her and no one else.  We try and take her out on dates so she does not have to be surrounded with "Brecken" on everything.  She enjoys his therapies and helping me with him but we have had her comment on "why does Brecken have to have Cerebral Palsy".  She never says it in a mean way or anything like that but she sees other families and knows that they do not have to do a lot of the stuff we have to.

I KNOW God gave me her as my first child for a reason.  She is an amazing big sister and a huge help to me.  Especially since we live the military life and my husband will be gone for days to months to years at a time.  I know she does the same exact thing I do too though.  She looks at other family's and wonders how it would be if we could be more "normal".  Although being 6 she does not realize that all family's have their challenges. 

Bailey on the other hand is my kiddo who knows something is up with Brecken but she is not quite sure what it is.  She pushes him around and tells him to keep up which is awesome because it does push him.  I have a feeling she is going to be the one who pushes him the hardest and be in his face when he gets older telling him to get up and try harder when he wants to quit.  She is a crazy stubborn girl who loves her big brother and will want to see him do his best no matter what.

Jayce already pushes Brecken.  Brecken sees him and gets that he is his big brother and I see him wanting to be the best big brother he can for him which in turn makes Brecken push harder.

So all in all YES parenting a special needs child is important however not forgetting that there are other ones looking to you to be the mom you need to be is just as important.  Making time for my other son and my girls is just as important to me as being the strong mama Breck needs.

I love my kids and yes they ALL drive me nuts sometimes but they are ALL worth it every single day!  Every night when I go to bed I always think my worst days with my kids is 1,000 times better then the best days I had without them.  Being a mom is hard and no joke but it is a job only the amazing and strong can handle and I say if you still have the same number of kids at the end of the day that you started the day with...you are super mom!! 

34 weeks, First Day of School and the Beach:)

 So here is my 34 week picture.  Bailey is not happy at all.  Lol.  I am actually 35 weeks now but falling behind on getting pictures up.  Sorry. I know you all want to see me in my fantasticness.  Anyways Jayce is huge and I am done.  I want him out.  Lol.  I am sore and tired and just done.

 This last week was Taylors first week of 1st grade!!  She likes it so far and her teacher seems nice!  We thought it was Breckens first day too but apparently that is today.  All the parents showed up for his class so they apparently did not inform us all that we all still had another week of summer.  So today will be his first day of school:)

 This weekend we went to the beach. One of the benefits of living by the water is it takes us 2 minutes to get to the beach.  Bailey chased birds the entire time.  I sat and looked like a beached whale.  All in a days work:)

So we have 4 more weeks until this son makes his appearance.  Things are getting busy again because of school and such.  I am done with my summer semester and did really well actually!  I am thinking I am going to take the fall off but we shall see.  3 more weeks until Doug has a month off and 4 more weeks until my mom is out here to help.  I am ready!!!  Bring on kiddo #4!!

Being his mom:)

So I was not going to write anything about how I have been feeling lately.  I really am not sure if I can put this down into words on how I am feeling lately with being Breckens mom.  Plus I feel as if one day he will ask why I dwelled so much on being his mom.  Then I go back and talk to some women who are either in the same boat and just want to know that what they feel is okay and realize that maybe I should keep posting how I feel because I know having someone just speak from the heart on how they feel and knowing I am not alone is an amazing motivator for me to be all I can be for Brecken.

First of all I love my son.  I have NEVER ever sat and wished I did not have to deal with him or ever wished he was not in our lives.  Just want to make that LOUD and CLEAR!!  So he was diagnosed a year ago and this last year has been a crazy crazy year.  First of all when we found out we were at a lose.  What on earth do you do for your child and where do you even start!?  Thankfully we had an AMAZING doctor who laid it all out for us.  What he would need from us and gave us the info on where to go to get it.  Having a doctor like that I feel makes all the difference in the world.  So we go through all of this and I know most of you have read my other blogs.  Of course I go through the blaming myself phase.  The what did I do wrong to cause this phase.  The one phase that really got me was "am I really strong enough to be what he needs me to be" phase.  Jump ahead a couple months and we are full swing into his therapies and it really has just become life for us.  I must admit when I first found out about Brecken I would wake up thinking "My son has Cerebral Palsy" and go to bed thinking the same thought.  It just really threw my world in a spin trying to figure out all I had to do and calls I had to make and how many doctors we needed and then to find out we should teach him sign language.  Now it does not even cross my mind.  He is my son and I never even think about his CP, even when we are at therapy, unless someone asks about it.  So we are still going strong and he is for sure getting strong!  He is doing amazing things!!  Skip ahead a couple more months.  We get a Orthopedist out here in California and take Brecken to him.  He looks at him for 10 minutes and says in a very hard to understand Russian accent "He does not have CP.  I know what CP look like and he does not have it.  Take the braces off and throw them away.  Cancel his therapies.  No need."  I of course try to argue being that we have many specialists who agree he does, all his therapists agree and an MRI and XRays kind of showing this all too.  The doctor dismisses it all and sticks with his diagnoses...or lack of.  We leave and I am sort of in shock!  In my head I keep thinking "Did I really put my son through all of this for nothing?  Is he really okay?  What is wrong with me if I made this all up in my head!?  I am a horrible mother for letting him endure all of this!"  This scares me in thinking what kind of mother would do this to her kid if he was okay the whole time.  So I take him to his therapies and of course his therapists totally disagree with this man and I get a referral for a second opinion.

We finally get an appointment and go in to see this other doctor.  He specializes in children with CP and we will be seeing the Orthopedist at the same time.  We go in and they go over his file (I have a freaking book I take in every time we see a new doctor) and they look at him.  They get some fresh XRays and make him run up and down the halls (which he loves!) and play around with his legs to see how his joints are moving.  They sit down with us and tell us everything the doctor who diagnosed him with Cerebral Palsy told us.  I mean literally down to the small spastic he has in his left ankle.  Now I feel a wave of relief.  Yes relief!  Knowing I did not force anything on him that he did not need.  Knowing we were right on track the entire time and that this other doctor who said it was all wrong was a loon!  Now here is where I want to discuss these "feelings" I have been having.

When I say relief I feel many people would think "well don't you wish he really was okay?"  Now I have a lot of friends who have kids with handicaps.  I have friends with kids who have Downs Syndrome, Cerebral Palsy and other different types of disabilities.  If you ask any of them that question let me tell you what I think most of them would say.....I am not trying to speak for anybody else but this is what I feel we all say when we smile at someone who has just asked us that question.  Do I wish he was okay....yes.  There are days I think about what it would be like if he did not have to struggle so hard to do very simple things and I can see the confusion in his eyes when he sees his little sister doing things he cannot do yet.  There are days when he gets a spasm in his body that I wish I could take it away and not have him go through that pain.  There are days that I see him struggle so hard to say what he wants to say and he cannot get his body to respond and it makes him so angry.  Do I wish he was okay...yes.  Here is what that smile means when a mom with a handicap child answers your question.  I cannot imagine him any different!  He has brought a light to my family that I cannot explain.  He has taught my girls to love other children who are different because those kids are just as amazing!  He has taught me how to be so proud and to not take anything for granted.  He has taught me what it REALLY means to be strong and to show people you do not have to be "normal" to be AMAZING!!  Through him I have met some amazing moms and amazing kids!!  He has completed my family in a way that nobody could ever understand unless you stand in the shoes of a mother who walks beside a child with a handicap.  Do not get me wrong.  My girls are amazing with their normalness.  Lol.  They are just as much a light in our family as Brecken...there just seems to be a whole other level of...something I cannot put into words...ever since he pulled us all together even tighter then we were.  I still have my days where I wonder what it would be like....I watch other 3 year olds run around without leg braces....being able to speak to their moms....wondering who he would be but then I hear his voice...the slurred and hard to understand little voice God has blessed him with say "I aa oo maaa (I love you mom)" and I can't help but think "Thank you God...thank you thank you thank you for thinking I am strong enough to be his mom and trusting him with me!"

So when you look at any child who has a disability and you wonder about the mom holding his or her hand and think to yourself "Thank God I have healthy children" (which you should because healthy children are a huge blessing and I know I thank God Brecken is not as severe as others and I definitely thank God my girls are healthy and pray Jayce is healthy and strong) just remember that that mom is also thanking God for her amazing child no matter how different they are.  Yes we wonder what it would be like.....we are human.  However we also realize how amazingly blessed we are and I know just for me....I am a better person because of all my kids but especially him.  So when I talk about my feelings on having Brecken it is never feeling sorry for myself and even when I have those times where I have to go to my room and shut the door and just let the tears pour it is not because I sad he is here or mine.  It is because I feel for him.  As a mom you are only as happy as your saddest child and there are those days you don't want them to go through any of it.  The stares, the difficulty doing things, any pain that they endure....the same as you would feel for any child who is going through a tough time.  I am allowed to cry.  I am allowed to mourn the lose of what I thought was supposed to be.  I am allowed to want everything to be "normal".  However I get up, wipe my face and walk out of my room knowing I have an amazing son and if I had to do it all over again...I would pick him every time.

Brecken....mama loves you more then you could even imagine!!  You and your sisters are making me a better person just by having you in my daily life and I just want you to know how much you mean to me and that your smile and spirit make every morning worth waking up to see:)  Stay you and keep going because I have a feeling your going to make a huge splash and do amazing things!!!  You are my Superman!!  I aa oo so so so much:)

Potty Training!!

So this was a LOT easier with Taylor.  She just woke up one day and wanted to pee on the potty and that was that.  Brecken has been fighting us so hard on this and finally the other day I told him mommy just cannot have him in baby diapers anymore so he HAS to pee and poo on the potty and he said okay.  Lol.  So far we are on day 3.  He has had a couple pee accidents but no poop accidents!!  All his poop has gone in the potty!!  Yay!!  He is cracking me up through all this with his potty dancing and silly faces he makes.  All in all it has been a lot less crazy then I thought.  I am praying he is potty trained completely within the month and maybe we can start working on Bailey before Jayce is here!!

May!!!

May is a BUSY month for our family.  First there is Mothers Day.  Then my Taylor turns 6 on the 15th.  I turn 29 on the 17th and my mom is turning the big 50 on the 19th.  Plus Doug and I started dating May 24th which will put us at 12 years together this month!  So here is an update on most things.

Doug is finally back from a couple TDYs and is not supposed to leave for a while.  This is good for me because I am now starting to get uncomfortable doing some things around the house like giving kids a bath and some of the cleaning.

Taylor only has a couple more weeks left of school and is really doing great!  I cannot believe how big she is getting and there are days I stare at her thinking "Gees....when did she become such a beautiful and loving child and how on earth did she learn all this from being around me all the time?".  She is still in dance class and loving it.  She really is good at it too!  I am not a dancer at all but she definitely has talent from somewhere.  She also has found a great friend out here whom we have pay dates with at least once a week and see at church.  I am SO grateful she has someone who is as great a kid as she is and has a passion for Jesus like Taylor does:)

Brecken is doing great!  He is up to 5 therapies a week now and really progressing.  I can see it the most in his physical therapy.  His speech is going great too!  He is still signing most of the time but he seems more willing to try vocalizing.  He still uses his speech machine at school and the teachers and volunteer parents are always telling me how crazy it is that he knows how to use it so well!  He is really loving school and he will be doing summer school.  The kids are so great to him and help him all the time!  I saw a little girl help him up the stairs the other day and I just feel blessed that so many other families have taught their kids to be such great kids!  His occupational therapy is going well but they did have to up his time doing it.  He was not progressing like they want to see which is great that they are so on top of things in seeing where he needs more help!  He is being seen in June by a specialist to make sure he is all on track:)

Bailey is doing awesome!  I love this age!  She is zooming around the house and learning to talk and getting so crazy!  She dances all the time!  She is a CUDDLER big time!  The other 2 kids were daddys kids but Bailey definitely is a mommy's girl:)  People say she is the one kid who looks exactly like me so obviously she is super cute:)

I am doing GREAT!  I am 20 weeks pregnant with another boy!  Jayce Christian Levy.  We are really excited to add another boy to the mix.  Brecken is WAY excited.  I am getting big fast but I am still feeling pretty good.  I am feeling him kick and he is starting to kick where I feel it on the outside.  Taylor keeps asking when she can feel him but she has not yet.  I am just feeling blessed that everything is going well and life is back on track for now.

Brecken and His Brother

So today I took Brecken to therapy while my friend Gerti watched Bailey and Taylor was in school.  I like Mondays because it is Brecken and mommy time.  So we went to his therapies and then went to the mall to shop a little and eat lunch.  We went to Old Navy and got him a couple shirts and then headed over to Chick-Fil-A.  Of course he loves that place.  We usually take his wheelchair in to malls since it is a lot of walking.  Especially after therapy since he is pretty tired and walking like he had one too many drinks.  So we are in eating our lunch and he sees a group of kids there.  Some in wheelchairs.  Some have Down Syndrome.  Some have walkers.  He points to a boy who has a mohawk and tells me he wants one.  He thinks he looks cool.  Then he names each one of the kids saying if they are boy or girl.  He has been really liking that he can tell the difference between boys and girls now.  He of course is signing all of this to me and looks at me and points to my belly and says boy.  I tell him yep.  It is a boy.  Then he looks at me and points to my belly and then points to his wheelchair.  He makes this noise when he is asking questions.  Kind of like a grunt in question form so I know he is asking me a question.  He again points to my belly.  Points to his chair and then says boy.  He looks at me and signs baby boy need chair like mine?  This question totally shocks me and I can feel my eyes start to water up instantly.  All of a sudden it hits me like a ton of bricks that he is wondering if since we are having a boy if he is going to be like him.  I never even think that he is on this level of thinking that of course the girls do not need chairs or leg braces.  They are girls....but his brother will be just like him right?  Plus it totally slips my mind that his dad and I have been talking it up how he will have another boy in the house just like him.  Not connecting that he thinks JUST like him.  Then of course the answers start flying to my mind.  My first thought is "I hope not".  Then I instantly feel horrible that I had even thought that.  Within seconds I pull off my mom smile and look at him and tell him that probably not.  He is my only special little man with his own wheels.  He smiles and starts eating his nuggets again.  I look away trying to choke back tears thinking "ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!  How did I not see that one coming!?!?!" 

I knew there would be a lot of questions concerning why he was different.  I also knew he was getting to that age where he was noticing he was different.  He has not said a whole lot since he goes to school with other kids in wheelchairs and walkers and leg braces.  There is a little boy in his class who is in a wheelchair full time.  A little girl named Alison who has leg braces and uses a walker full time.  Brecken is probably the 3rd on that list with his speaking machine and leg braces.  He never takes his wheelchair.  The other kids are more internal differences like Autism.  So he is around different kids all the time.  Of course at therapy he is around other kids who are dealing with Cerebral Palsy and other handicaps so again he is around kids like himself.  So really he has not been asking very much on his differences.

So this question just threw me off and really made me see that he was thinking this baby would be like him.  I know once he sees the baby and how tiny he is he will realize he has a long way to go before he is walking and talking.  By the time the baby is old enough to do any of this we can really explain it to him.

I just wanted to share this because I know I have a couple people with kids younger then Brecken with handicaps that read this blog and I know I am always reading blogs of moms who have kids in the same situation that Brecken is in and I like the info on what to expect.  What questions the kids may have as they grow.  That sort of stuff.

The rest of the day I really enjoyed with my son.  We always have fun together and I am really loving that I can spend some 1 on 1 time with him.  He is such an amazing kid and I love that I have all my kids the way they are.  They each are so unique and really are making each other better people.

Love it!

Yay!! We paid off more debt today!! I love it!! So the kids are being really good and giving me a couple minutes to write. We had a lot of fun yesterday for Easter. Poor Taylor got all bit up while finding Easter eggs so I was up with her most of the night putting stuff on her bites. I hate that too. She looked really cute in her dress. Brecken looked very handsome in his overalls. Today is a rainy day so I am sitting doing nothing which I have not really done. I feel like I am soo busy all the time. I should be doing homework. I am not doing so great in my class. Well that is all I can think of for now. Laterz!