We got on the subject of miscarriages at mommies group this week. I was not surprised that many of us had lost a baby in utero and that people had told these girls that it was normal and that they should suck it up and deal. Losing a child is never easy no matter when the lose.
4 years ago Taylor was 6 months old and I had found out that we were pregnant again! I was extremely excited to give Taylor a baby sister or brother. I went in and got a pregnancy test done and everything looked good. We went on with life as usual. I went and bought a baby book and started filling out the new chapter of our life. A couple weeks later I started to bleed. I went into the ER and they did an examination and found out that I had lost the baby. Doug had to go to the field so I went home with Taylor and put her down for a nap and laid in bed while I lost our baby. I was completely broken by this. How could my body fail to hold on to this little life? As I laid in bed I just cried out to God and told Him I could not do this. I was hurt and needed Him to help me understand. He then very softly and lovingly told me that that baby was not mine. The baby was His. Taylor was not mine. She was also His. And then very softly He reminded me that I was also His and that He was not going to let me go. He was going to lay there with me and just hold me. I cried for hours until Taylor woke up.
This was my story on how God and I became closer. Doug then deployed a month after that and I was hurt that we could not at least keep trying. I had friends around me getting pregnant like crazy and this also drove me nuts. When Doug got home 10 months later I was ready to keep trying. After trying for 8 months (which was long for us since we got pregnant the other 2 times within the first month) I was angry. Why would God put this fire in my heart to have another baby and not let me have it? That is when I heard the song Surrender by Barlowgirl. It talks about having your dreams and not wanting to let them go and God is whispering telling you to let Him have them. Even when you think you will not get what you want. That day I cried through that song and told God I was okay with that. I had a loving husband and a beautiful daughter and if that was all I got then that was more then I deserved and I was ready to be the wife and mom I needed to be. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of me and I felt happy. For the first time in a long time I was really happy. That night I conceived my son Brecken. I now have 3 miracles and I still have that baby book and will tell the kids that they have a brother or sister in heaven. My arms still ache to hold that baby and my heart still hurts sometimes but I know my child is with Jesus and my dad now. That makes me happy to know!
All in all when people tell someone they should suck it up after a miscarriage I find this sick and extremely sad. If you have had a miscarriage, you have lost a child. God told us He knew us before we were conceived which means life starts at conception. You held that baby in your body and loved that baby already. You lost a child and you are most definitely allowed to mourn and remember that life! Don't let anybody ever tell you different! Just know God loves you and everything happens for a reason and for His glory! I know now that Him taking my baby home was something I needed to go through to realize I need Him and now I can use this to help others. Let God be the rock you lean on!!
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