A Mothers Wanting for Children

One of the things I have wanted more than anything in my life was to hold my own children in my arms. To wake up to the noise of children making each other giggle but then shooshing each other because they may wake up mommy and daddy. To hear little tiny feet slap the floor as they run across the kitchen. To walk in and have the room completely torn up but they are all getting along quietly in the middle of it all. To have them all drive you up the wall all day but when you put them to bed they tell you how much they love you and that you are the best mommy ever and grab your face to lay a big sloppy one on you. This is what we do as moms. This makes us want more (or not) but for me I wanted more of that. I love my kids and the thought that I have to stop having them breaks my heart. After we had Taylor we got pregnant and we ended up losing that baby. Then we tried for the last few months Doug was in the same country and then he was gone for 10 months. Once he got back we tried for 8 months before we FINALLY conceived Brecken. This in my life was the worst ever. Losing a child and then not being able to try again. Once being able to try again and then not getting pregnant. This was a point in my life where I just could not understand what was going on. Was Taylor a fluke? Was I broken since I could not hold on to the second baby? Trying to deal with these feelings and trying my hardest to be content with what I had was impossible. My friends were getting pregnant all around me and I was getting no where. What was wrong with me? I was miserable and so was my husband. He saw me take test after test only to watch me come out of the bathroom and say that it was okay only to go and hide so I could fall apart. I didn't understand. Why would God put this fire in my heart to have more kids but then hold it back from me? I was a good mom! I was praying and going to church and getting more into the Word then I ever had before. I was taking my temp and tracking my ovulation days. We were on time with everything. We were doing everything right!!! I did not understand!!! So we decided to go and get prayed over at church one day. Maybe God would hear a Pastors prayer more clearly. As we had 3 pastors pray over us I felt this was what I needed. After wards I had one of them come up to me and tell me that God had told him to tell me to stop trying. Relax. It was not my time. He needed me to be content with what I had. I went home that night and completely broke. When I say broke, I mean on my knees and sobbing. Finally at the end of this I started praying and then I told God I was okay. Not just okay but really okay. It was at that moment that I was okay with being a mom to just Taylor. If that was Gods plan then I was blessed to be a mom in the first place. This was the first night in almost over a year that I was not just saying I was okay but I was really content. I just felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. That night we conceived my son:) I don't know if it was the pastors praying over us or just me finally giving up and letting God take over but it worked. I know I have told this story and the reason I am going back into this is because I have a good friend who is right where I was when Doug got home from being deployed. They have been trying and unsuccessful. She is watching her friends get pregnant around her and trying to be happy for them but I know how much it makes your heart ache inside anyways. She wants to let go but trust me this is so much easier said then done. I mean it took me 21 months to let go (wow I did not realize it was almost 2 years of wanting Brecken) I remember praying all the time for peace and comfort and it worked but not at the level I wanted it to. I wanted to be numb to it. Anyways I just want to ask you to pray for her. This was one of the most depressing times in my life so when I see her I know how hard this is for her and how bad her heart hurts right now. I know there are worse things and that many people we know have been through worse but this is our hurt. This is the one thing this girl and I were meant to do and really the only thing we ever wanted to do so fighting with this is extremely hard in our eyes. I just pray she has peace and comfort and that she knows what an amazing mom she is and that she will get pregnant and that God would not put that fire in her heart if He was not going to make good on it. We love her family and just want the best for them so pray for them. Thanks for listening to my rant. This just really hits my heart when I see her going through this. She is very loved and I hope she knows that:)