Trying to Understand

So it has been about 2 months since Doug had been gone and we still have about 3 to go. I am so tired of this single mom gig. I am exhausted all the time. I love my kids more then anything but doing this on my own is getting hard. Breckens stuff has been taking a toll on me emotionally. We got his loaner wheelchair and seeing him in it was just hard. I love that kid so much and I cannot help but wonder if I would have taken care of myself better while pregnant that maybe he would not have to go through all this. I watched a show yesterday where the mom blamed herself for her sons disease and I could not help but totally relate with her. I don't know how many runs turn into me just crying and saying how sorry I am for whatever I did. My running is my only quiet time so that is when I think. I always wonder if anybody ever looks at me and wonders what I did to cause this. When Doug is gone I feel very alone in this with Brecken. I take him to all his therapies and when he has them at home I am the only around. I am the only one learning sign language so that I can teach my son so he can talk and if I am not there then nobody understands what he is saying. It breaks my heart to see him struggle so much. Some days you cannot even tell anything is wrong and he is fantastic but then there are days that he is so tired and weak and I just wish I could take it from him and be the weak one. I am trying but I feel like I am failing miserably.

Taylor has been my biggest help. She sees when I am struggling and I have no clue how a 5 year old can pick up on it like she does but she is amazing. I would not be getting through anything without that girl. She is just the most amazing little girl and I know she does not get that from me. That is all her daddy. My little rock:)

Bailey is testing me every time I turn around. You want to meet my mini me then she is it. She has been such a handful lately and it just reminds me of me with how hard she fights. I guess that could be a good thing. She is the best cuddler and she wants me all the time which makes me happy since the other 2 never did that. They would go to anybody.

Anyways I am just feel like I am on autopilot. I know Doug is doing this for our family and this is all the best but it has been hard. I need someone to lean on and he won't be back until December. My kids are the reason I breathe and never want people to think I regret any of this. I just feel guilty that I am not being everything they need me to be. I know God has called me to be who I am and to fight as hard as I can for my family. I am trying to raise my kids the best I know how and most of the time I am doing it solo. I have had my mothering challenged but I have never felt like I was doing a bad job until we moved to Colorado. I guess I need to quit looking around and start looking up.