29 Weeks and Summer School!!

 So here is the big 29!  I am 29 weeks and feeling it!!  I do not feel too bad I am just getting sore and having a hard time breathing!  He does not feel super heavy but he seems very long.  I went in for my appointment yesterday and all looks good!  He has a strong heart beat and is measuring right on.  They now have to see me every 2 weeks.  I also got to schedule my c-section for September 18th so we have a light at the end of the tunnel!!  Well for Jayce it is more like a cold surprise wth lots of masked people around.

 Here are his 4D ultrasound pics!  He looks like Brecken and Bailey mixed I think.  Poor Doug...the only kid that looks like him is Taylor.  I even had someone the other day tell me they all look like me and none of them look like Doug.  I still think Taylor is closer to looking like Doug then me though.  This kid like all our kids have the Riney nose:)  I am really excited to hold him!!

Brecken has started summer school.  With his CP he is eligible to do summer school and he loves it so of course who am I to say no to 2 hours of him off playing:)  He has the same teacher that he had in school so he is comfortable going.  Very cool for this kid!!

Daughters:)

So I am sure you have all heard that song by John Mayer called "Daughters".  I hear it on my Pandora a lot and I LOVE this song.  I just really feel he explains a girl becoming a woman so well.  Here is a verse that gets me

Fathers be good to your daughters
Daughters will live like you do
Girls become lovers
Who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters too

When I sit and think of the words and where I was in life as a daughter.  Then becoming a wife and lover.  Then having a life inside of me and becoming a mother.  Wow do we really go through changes or what.  My heart changed so much during each stage too!  The most amazing thing is knowing I get to be there to watch my daughters grow.  To see them play around and be kids now and then watch them fall in love and become that woman that stands beside her husband.  Then to get the news that they are carrying a life inside them and knowing their whole world is going to change for the better.  I pray my girls have a daughter.  Not for the same reason that most moms say "I hope you have a girl just like you" but for the fact that knowing how much I changed at each stage of life and being able to be apart of my daughters lives and knowing how unique a mother daughter relationship is.  I am so happy to have my girls and love that I will have this relationship to hold on to with each one!!

Cloth Diapers!

Yes we have decided to cloth diaper our children.  Here is a shot of Baileys new diaper butt!  And our dog who gets a little nervous with her hugging him....lol.  Anyways we have been trying to figure out ways to save a little money around here and of course diapers should be the first to go!!  We spend about$100 a month on diapers and wipes with 2 kids in diapers at a time usually.  That is a lot of moola. I could find a ton of other things to spend $100 on.  Plus look at her little booty!  Super cute.  Anyways so far she is liking them a lot!  So am I although I have not had to change a nasty one yet.  So I spent $87 on 6 diapers just so I could test them out and I am planning on buying another batch soon.  So that is about $180 I am spending per kid on diapers if I get each 12 diapers and $700 per kid a year on disposables....no brainer.  So this is the first of many changes!!

 

I also started making a lot of our own stuff from scratch like bread and tortillas.  We actually eat more tortillas then bread.  We substitute them for bread on sandwiches and such. 

 Here is my first shot at bread and it turned out good!  I was surprised!!  I am really liking this whole 60s wife thing.  I feel very accomplished in making this and doing certain things and I like that I can teach the girls some of this stuff!!  Anyways there is a lot more to come.  I will be making our own laundry detergent and softener.  Plus other different cleaning supplies.  Yay for saving money!!

Being his mom:)

So I was not going to write anything about how I have been feeling lately.  I really am not sure if I can put this down into words on how I am feeling lately with being Breckens mom.  Plus I feel as if one day he will ask why I dwelled so much on being his mom.  Then I go back and talk to some women who are either in the same boat and just want to know that what they feel is okay and realize that maybe I should keep posting how I feel because I know having someone just speak from the heart on how they feel and knowing I am not alone is an amazing motivator for me to be all I can be for Brecken.

First of all I love my son.  I have NEVER ever sat and wished I did not have to deal with him or ever wished he was not in our lives.  Just want to make that LOUD and CLEAR!!  So he was diagnosed a year ago and this last year has been a crazy crazy year.  First of all when we found out we were at a lose.  What on earth do you do for your child and where do you even start!?  Thankfully we had an AMAZING doctor who laid it all out for us.  What he would need from us and gave us the info on where to go to get it.  Having a doctor like that I feel makes all the difference in the world.  So we go through all of this and I know most of you have read my other blogs.  Of course I go through the blaming myself phase.  The what did I do wrong to cause this phase.  The one phase that really got me was "am I really strong enough to be what he needs me to be" phase.  Jump ahead a couple months and we are full swing into his therapies and it really has just become life for us.  I must admit when I first found out about Brecken I would wake up thinking "My son has Cerebral Palsy" and go to bed thinking the same thought.  It just really threw my world in a spin trying to figure out all I had to do and calls I had to make and how many doctors we needed and then to find out we should teach him sign language.  Now it does not even cross my mind.  He is my son and I never even think about his CP, even when we are at therapy, unless someone asks about it.  So we are still going strong and he is for sure getting strong!  He is doing amazing things!!  Skip ahead a couple more months.  We get a Orthopedist out here in California and take Brecken to him.  He looks at him for 10 minutes and says in a very hard to understand Russian accent "He does not have CP.  I know what CP look like and he does not have it.  Take the braces off and throw them away.  Cancel his therapies.  No need."  I of course try to argue being that we have many specialists who agree he does, all his therapists agree and an MRI and XRays kind of showing this all too.  The doctor dismisses it all and sticks with his diagnoses...or lack of.  We leave and I am sort of in shock!  In my head I keep thinking "Did I really put my son through all of this for nothing?  Is he really okay?  What is wrong with me if I made this all up in my head!?  I am a horrible mother for letting him endure all of this!"  This scares me in thinking what kind of mother would do this to her kid if he was okay the whole time.  So I take him to his therapies and of course his therapists totally disagree with this man and I get a referral for a second opinion.

We finally get an appointment and go in to see this other doctor.  He specializes in children with CP and we will be seeing the Orthopedist at the same time.  We go in and they go over his file (I have a freaking book I take in every time we see a new doctor) and they look at him.  They get some fresh XRays and make him run up and down the halls (which he loves!) and play around with his legs to see how his joints are moving.  They sit down with us and tell us everything the doctor who diagnosed him with Cerebral Palsy told us.  I mean literally down to the small spastic he has in his left ankle.  Now I feel a wave of relief.  Yes relief!  Knowing I did not force anything on him that he did not need.  Knowing we were right on track the entire time and that this other doctor who said it was all wrong was a loon!  Now here is where I want to discuss these "feelings" I have been having.

When I say relief I feel many people would think "well don't you wish he really was okay?"  Now I have a lot of friends who have kids with handicaps.  I have friends with kids who have Downs Syndrome, Cerebral Palsy and other different types of disabilities.  If you ask any of them that question let me tell you what I think most of them would say.....I am not trying to speak for anybody else but this is what I feel we all say when we smile at someone who has just asked us that question.  Do I wish he was okay....yes.  There are days I think about what it would be like if he did not have to struggle so hard to do very simple things and I can see the confusion in his eyes when he sees his little sister doing things he cannot do yet.  There are days when he gets a spasm in his body that I wish I could take it away and not have him go through that pain.  There are days that I see him struggle so hard to say what he wants to say and he cannot get his body to respond and it makes him so angry.  Do I wish he was okay...yes.  Here is what that smile means when a mom with a handicap child answers your question.  I cannot imagine him any different!  He has brought a light to my family that I cannot explain.  He has taught my girls to love other children who are different because those kids are just as amazing!  He has taught me how to be so proud and to not take anything for granted.  He has taught me what it REALLY means to be strong and to show people you do not have to be "normal" to be AMAZING!!  Through him I have met some amazing moms and amazing kids!!  He has completed my family in a way that nobody could ever understand unless you stand in the shoes of a mother who walks beside a child with a handicap.  Do not get me wrong.  My girls are amazing with their normalness.  Lol.  They are just as much a light in our family as Brecken...there just seems to be a whole other level of...something I cannot put into words...ever since he pulled us all together even tighter then we were.  I still have my days where I wonder what it would be like....I watch other 3 year olds run around without leg braces....being able to speak to their moms....wondering who he would be but then I hear his voice...the slurred and hard to understand little voice God has blessed him with say "I aa oo maaa (I love you mom)" and I can't help but think "Thank you God...thank you thank you thank you for thinking I am strong enough to be his mom and trusting him with me!"

So when you look at any child who has a disability and you wonder about the mom holding his or her hand and think to yourself "Thank God I have healthy children" (which you should because healthy children are a huge blessing and I know I thank God Brecken is not as severe as others and I definitely thank God my girls are healthy and pray Jayce is healthy and strong) just remember that that mom is also thanking God for her amazing child no matter how different they are.  Yes we wonder what it would be like.....we are human.  However we also realize how amazingly blessed we are and I know just for me....I am a better person because of all my kids but especially him.  So when I talk about my feelings on having Brecken it is never feeling sorry for myself and even when I have those times where I have to go to my room and shut the door and just let the tears pour it is not because I sad he is here or mine.  It is because I feel for him.  As a mom you are only as happy as your saddest child and there are those days you don't want them to go through any of it.  The stares, the difficulty doing things, any pain that they endure....the same as you would feel for any child who is going through a tough time.  I am allowed to cry.  I am allowed to mourn the lose of what I thought was supposed to be.  I am allowed to want everything to be "normal".  However I get up, wipe my face and walk out of my room knowing I have an amazing son and if I had to do it all over again...I would pick him every time.

Brecken....mama loves you more then you could even imagine!!  You and your sisters are making me a better person just by having you in my daily life and I just want you to know how much you mean to me and that your smile and spirit make every morning worth waking up to see:)  Stay you and keep going because I have a feeling your going to make a huge splash and do amazing things!!!  You are my Superman!!  I aa oo so so so much:)

Potty Training!!

So this was a LOT easier with Taylor.  She just woke up one day and wanted to pee on the potty and that was that.  Brecken has been fighting us so hard on this and finally the other day I told him mommy just cannot have him in baby diapers anymore so he HAS to pee and poo on the potty and he said okay.  Lol.  So far we are on day 3.  He has had a couple pee accidents but no poop accidents!!  All his poop has gone in the potty!!  Yay!!  He is cracking me up through all this with his potty dancing and silly faces he makes.  All in all it has been a lot less crazy then I thought.  I am praying he is potty trained completely within the month and maybe we can start working on Bailey before Jayce is here!!

24 weeks!!

Okay so I am 24 weeks with this sweet boy.  I am getting VERY uncomfortable which is lame.  I was hoping to get a little more just looking cute time without the pain.  Sleeping has been huge challenge but I have 5 pillows now and actually sleeping very well.  The only time I really wake up at night is when he decides to practice his jump kick which is usually around 3 in the morning.  My 5s do not fit over my butt anymore which sort of bums me out but my 7s do fit as long as I do not button them.  At least I am still in single digits!!  The kids have been able to feel him kick which has been a ton of fun to watch.  Taylor and Brecken think it is the best thing ever.  When he kicks Bailey she lays her head on my belly and just talks to him.  It is really sweet.  I am trying to sit and relax as much as possible but that is proving difficult with 3 other ones running around.  Thankfully Doug has been able to take one of Breckens therapies a week and he takes Bailey with him so I get Friday mornings to rest.  I have nixed running for the time being....my sciatic nerve is killer these days.  So pretty much just trying to sit as much as possible and enjoy watching him shake his little booty!  I have an appointment next week.  Other then that I am actually getting really excited to meet this little guy!  This pregnancy is going fast and life is good!!

Birthday Week!!

So like I said May is a big month for us.  First it is Mothers Day in which I sat and did nothing.  Best Mothers Day ever.  Then my Taylor turned 6!  Wow we now have a 6 year old.  I feel as if I should not be that old.  She is growing so fast!  So we had a family BBQ/birthday party for her.  

 

Yay for BBQ!!  I love BBQing here and in Cali the weather is mostly BBQ weather so we do it often:)

  

Happy Birthday to the birthday girl!!

 My girls:)

 My handsome boy:)

 Blowing out her birthday candles

We had to cancel our Colorado trip so instead we were blessed with someone giving us their tickets to Disneyland!!  So we were able to get the kids up there and enjoy a day with Mickey and Minnie!  The day was a lot of fun and the kids had a blast!  Brecken went on the Buzz ride a million times and Taylor rode everything!!  Bailey went on all the rides mommy was allowed to ride with Jayce in her belly. 

 My cute Minnie girl:)

 Brecken likes Mickey but he asked for Buzz all day.

Here we are in front of the castle:)  

Doug took the entire week off so it was an awesome week and a nice break for me.  I got to sit on my 29th birthday and do nothing which usually makes me feel guilty but not that day!  We had a lot of fun and got a lot done around the house which was nice.  I am 22 weeks pregnant with Jayce so I am trying to get as much done as possible before he arrives.  We all know after the first baby that they all seem to come a lot faster!  Time is flying!!  So all in all birthday week was a HUGE success!!!