ER Visit

Okay so a couple days ago Brecken put a gash in his head. By gash I mean it was pretty big and nasty. Here is a visual:)
So I was in the dressing room and I walk out and Doug, Brecken and Bailey are gone. So I go back in and change to go find them. I have Taylor with me when I get a phone call from Doug saying he is in the mens bathroom and we need to take Brecken to the hospital. He seems calm so I figure it is a tiny thing. Doug says he "thinks" Brecken may need stitches. So I am not freaking out too bad. So Doug brings him up to the front and shows me. THINKS he may need stitches!!!???? Now granted I am the mom and I freak out a little faster then most HOWEVER I also know how fast things can get infected and how fast things go wrong when the infection is by the brain in which is in my sons head which is where the gash is. Plus being able to see my sons skull....yeah. So a cashier calls 911 (imagine that...someone thinks it is as serious as I do) and Brecken is a little out of it which is again scaring me since I studied sports medicine a little and understand what being out of it after a head injury could mean. The paramedics get there and get him in the ambulance and off we go. They take us straight in and we get a room. Another reason to call 911 people. If you want to walk straight in and not wait for triage then you call an ambulance (luckily we are military and all this is covered). Working in a hospital you figure out what you need to call 911 for and what not to call it for and how to work the system:) Anyways we get in there and Brecken gets wrapped up in numbing gel so they can stitch him up.Then the fun part. I got to hold Brecken down as they stuck multiple shots in his head to numb him completely and then they gave him 7 stitches in which he SCREAMED through. He was not happy at all. The doctor did a great job on his stitches. They look good and they are healing very well. We go in Monday to have them taken out. So after all that I figured Brecken would be tired and want to go home but he sat up and asked if we could go to lunch. Lol. So we took the poor kids to Red Robin (my kids call it balloons).This is only 2 hours after the whole thing. The ER was super fast. We were in there for only an hour:) So Taylor told everybody that Brecken split his head open and the waitress brought him an ice cream sundae:)So yeah it was an interesting day. On a more fun note Taylor finally let us get her ears pierced!! I know a lot of people ask why we did not get it done when she was a baby but I am not into that whole thing. I want my babies to look like...well babies. Plus I never thought earrings looked good on babies. SORRY!! Personal opinion!!! I am not saying it is wrong or anything I just prefer to let my girls want to get it done instead of forcing it on them. She did really good!She still made faces even thought she said it did not hurt. Lol.So this weekend my kids got a couple holes in their heads. My kids can really give me a heart attack sometimes. It is only the beginning....

My Little Superman:)

Today was Breckens last day with his Physical Therapist out her in NC. She is AMAZING with him and really works him hard. So today she had him on the stairs. My son cannot walk up stairs very well in or out of his AFOs. So today I was watching him and he was struggling so hard to walk up the stairs. I felt my heart hurt a little in watching him having such a hard time with them. Ms. Susan just kept him going though. I found myself looking at him and just thinking "Why does he have to go through this? Why must he have to work so hard for something so many kids (my own included) take for granted? Why my son?" I was almost in tears and afraid I may have to leave the room because of how bad it hurt to see him struggle....until he got to the top of those stairs and he looked at me with the BIGGEST smile on his face and his eyes said it all. "Did you see it mom? Did you see me walk up them? I DID IT!!!" Wow did he humble me. I was thinking his mountain was so big and feeling sorry for him and thinking of all the things he could not do (yet) and he was so excited that he did it! He was proving to me all the things he CAN do! My son is my hero!! Maybe God did not place him with us for us to help him but for Brecken to help me. He is my superman:) He is AMAZING:)

What if....

So we have known for about a month what is going on with Brecken and I know he is the same kid but it is weird to have him diagnosed. Anyways this is going to get pity party for a minute but I will end it quick. I have been getting frustrated because Brecken is not talking. We are teaching him sign language but he has such issues with his hands that he is having trouble with that too. All in all I get extremely frustrated with this. So there is a place in my mind that I will not allow myself to go. I call it the "what if" place. What if I would have tried harder with my dad? What if I would have rested more with our second pregnancy? What if Brecken did not have this? I chose to never go there because I believe what God has happen is all for a reason. When someone dies I never think "What if they were not in that car?" because I do not believe that they have a place to die but a time. This gets me through deployments because I feel that if God wants my husband he is going to take him no matter where he is whether it be in the middle of a war or getting hit by a car walking across the street. Anyways last night I let my mind go there. What would Brecken be like if he was where he should be? Walking normal. Talking. I watched some video of Taylor at his age and the difference is so huge it made me a little sad. She was singing songs and making up dances. She was talking in full sentences. This is how I pictured it all to be when Brecken got to this age. I just feel like as a mom I should not feel this way because I love him no matter what but I can't help but have my heart hurt just a little bit at the things I expected him to do and the things he is not doing and may never do. I am trying so hard to get rid of this sadness about all this but it just keeps popping up yet I always feel blessed that God picked us to be his parents and that we have him! I love him so much and I do not want people to think I don't the way he is. Just a bunch of emotions going on right now. We are about to leave and I am so sad about it yet excited at the same time. I am going to miss my friends but I am excited to get around my family. Life just changed so drastically this last couple weeks that I feel like I have not had enough time to catch up. There were always times in my life where I felt like I was swimming against the current but this is the first time where I almost feel like I am going under. I am trying to distance myself from people here so it does not hurt so bad when we leave which I know is mean but I cannot handle all that and all this so I am really sorry if I am doing this to you. I am going through a rough season but I know God is there and he is pulling me along. I know I am going to be alright.

Brecken Update

Cerebral Palsy

So we went back in and we already knew Brecken had PVL which he was tested for and this is an indicator for Cerebral Palsy. So we knew it was something we may have to deal with. Well we got the final final diagnoses and he does have Cerebral Palsy. Thankfully it is high functioning. So his official diagnoses is Cerebral Palsy due to Peri ventricular Leukamalacia. The PVL explains what part of his brain is injured and the CP explains what his body will do in response. The WORST part of all this is it is a sit and watch thing. They have no idea how bad he will get or how much better. There is such a wide range of how kids turn out that they cannot tell us what to expect. I am a planner and this bugs me not knowing what is going to happen. So here we are as of now. As most of you know Brecken has leg braces. He will be in those for a long time. He will only need a wheelchair for extreme cases where we are walking a lot but not for day to day activities. He will most likely always walk funny BUT he is walking which is awesome! Next his speech. Another thing we sit and watch. Some kids never talk and some do. His doctors believe he will talk at some point but it will sound funny and be slow and slurred. He says mama now but it is extremely slow and seems very forced and he does sound odd saying it. I do not care...it is music to my ears!! He says dada and it comes out smoother but still sounds odd. We are doing sign language with him now and will take classes to become fluent and he will use this as his main communication. I feel weird doing it since he can hear me but I am doing it and he is picking it up really fast and seems relieved he can finally talk! Also he has very loose muscles. He cannot control them all the time and that is why he still drools and has an open mouth all the time. He cannot get his face to do what he tells it to do. This is true for his entire body. Now he does have control but it is limited. He has trouble with his hands, legs and face as of now and when he gets really excited he pulls his arms up to his chest. CP reacts more intensely when people are scared or excited and that is when it is most noticeable. He also cannot feel pain in his muscles (the type of pain you get when you pull a muscle or the soreness you have after working out...he can feel pain like pinching or if he scraps his knee). He will have problems learning but he really can live a normal life. I have never known him any other way then the way he is so the way he is to me is perfection. I love him so much.

I have had one person ask me how I am doing. Like I said I do not know him any other way so this to me is normal. It is overwhelming to think about sometimes but I have high hopes for him since he is high functioning. I don't really know how I feel. I feel like if I am sad then I am saying he is not good enough but if I am happy then I am not dealing with the emotions. I am sort of in limbo right now. I have not really had anybody to talk to about it and I am feeling sort of secluded. I have too many people starting off with "it could be worse" and so I do not feel like letting out my emotions with those people...sorry guys but that is a really mean thing to say I think. It kind of makes me feel like I should not have any emotions about this and if I was to cry I would be over doing it. I know it could be worse and I know Brecken is at the good end of this and I am SOOO thankful for that but it still is hard to know I have a handicap son and not because I feel bad for me but because I want him to be able to live to the fullest and if I could I would trade places with him in a second so he did not have to deal with all this. I love my son and like I said he is perfection to me but it still hurts. So PLEASE no more "it could be worse"...I know that. Anyways that is what is up now and I will try and post more later. I am trying to keep this updated as much as possible because I know other moms have had questions concerning their kids and I just wish I knew someone I could talk to who went through something like this so I want to make sure you all know I am here if you need anything.