So I was not going to write anything about how I have been feeling lately. I really am not sure if I can put this down into words on how I am feeling lately with being Breckens mom. Plus I feel as if one day he will ask why I dwelled so much on being his mom. Then I go back and talk to some women who are either in the same boat and just want to know that what they feel is okay and realize that maybe I should keep posting how I feel because I know having someone just speak from the heart on how they feel and knowing I am not alone is an amazing motivator for me to be all I can be for Brecken.
First of all I love my son. I have NEVER ever sat and wished I did not have to deal with him or ever wished he was not in our lives. Just want to make that LOUD and CLEAR!! So he was diagnosed a year ago and this last year has been a crazy crazy year. First of all when we found out we were at a lose. What on earth do you do for your child and where do you even start!? Thankfully we had an AMAZING doctor who laid it all out for us. What he would need from us and gave us the info on where to go to get it. Having a doctor like that I feel makes all the difference in the world. So we go through all of this and I know most of you have read my other blogs. Of course I go through the blaming myself phase. The what did I do wrong to cause this phase. The one phase that really got me was "am I really strong enough to be what he needs me to be" phase. Jump ahead a couple months and we are full swing into his therapies and it really has just become life for us. I must admit when I first found out about Brecken I would wake up thinking "My son has Cerebral Palsy" and go to bed thinking the same thought. It just really threw my world in a spin trying to figure out all I had to do and calls I had to make and how many doctors we needed and then to find out we should teach him sign language. Now it does not even cross my mind. He is my son and I never even think about his CP, even when we are at therapy, unless someone asks about it. So we are still going strong and he is for sure getting strong! He is doing amazing things!! Skip ahead a couple more months. We get a Orthopedist out here in California and take Brecken to him. He looks at him for 10 minutes and says in a very hard to understand Russian accent "He does not have CP. I know what CP look like and he does not have it. Take the braces off and throw them away. Cancel his therapies. No need." I of course try to argue being that we have many specialists who agree he does, all his therapists agree and an MRI and XRays kind of showing this all too. The doctor dismisses it all and sticks with his diagnoses...or lack of. We leave and I am sort of in shock! In my head I keep thinking "Did I really put my son through all of this for nothing? Is he really okay? What is wrong with me if I made this all up in my head!? I am a horrible mother for letting him endure all of this!" This scares me in thinking what kind of mother would do this to her kid if he was okay the whole time. So I take him to his therapies and of course his therapists totally disagree with this man and I get a referral for a second opinion.
We finally get an appointment and go in to see this other doctor. He specializes in children with CP and we will be seeing the Orthopedist at the same time. We go in and they go over his file (I have a freaking book I take in every time we see a new doctor) and they look at him. They get some fresh XRays and make him run up and down the halls (which he loves!) and play around with his legs to see how his joints are moving. They sit down with us and tell us everything the doctor who diagnosed him with Cerebral Palsy told us. I mean literally down to the small spastic he has in his left ankle. Now I feel a wave of relief. Yes relief! Knowing I did not force anything on him that he did not need. Knowing we were right on track the entire time and that this other doctor who said it was all wrong was a loon! Now here is where I want to discuss these "feelings" I have been having.
When I say relief I feel many people would think "well don't you wish he really was okay?" Now I have a lot of friends who have kids with handicaps. I have friends with kids who have Downs Syndrome, Cerebral Palsy and other different types of disabilities. If you ask any of them that question let me tell you what I think most of them would say.....I am not trying to speak for anybody else but this is what I feel we all say when we smile at someone who has just asked us that question. Do I wish he was okay....yes. There are days I think about what it would be like if he did not have to struggle so hard to do very simple things and I can see the confusion in his eyes when he sees his little sister doing things he cannot do yet. There are days when he gets a spasm in his body that I wish I could take it away and not have him go through that pain. There are days that I see him struggle so hard to say what he wants to say and he cannot get his body to respond and it makes him so angry. Do I wish he was okay...yes. Here is what that smile means when a mom with a handicap child answers your question. I cannot imagine him any different! He has brought a light to my family that I cannot explain. He has taught my girls to love other children who are different because those kids are just as amazing! He has taught me how to be so proud and to not take anything for granted. He has taught me what it REALLY means to be strong and to show people you do not have to be "normal" to be AMAZING!! Through him I have met some amazing moms and amazing kids!! He has completed my family in a way that nobody could ever understand unless you stand in the shoes of a mother who walks beside a child with a handicap. Do not get me wrong. My girls are amazing with their normalness. Lol. They are just as much a light in our family as Brecken...there just seems to be a whole other level of...something I cannot put into words...ever since he pulled us all together even tighter then we were. I still have my days where I wonder what it would be like....I watch other 3 year olds run around without leg braces....being able to speak to their moms....wondering who he would be but then I hear his voice...the slurred and hard to understand little voice God has blessed him with say "I aa oo maaa (I love you mom)" and I can't help but think "Thank you God...thank you thank you thank you for thinking I am strong enough to be his mom and trusting him with me!"
So when you look at any child who has a disability and you wonder about the mom holding his or her hand and think to yourself "Thank God I have healthy children" (which you should because healthy children are a huge blessing and I know I thank God Brecken is not as severe as others and I definitely thank God my girls are healthy and pray Jayce is healthy and strong) just remember that that mom is also thanking God for her amazing child no matter how different they are. Yes we wonder what it would be like.....we are human. However we also realize how amazingly blessed we are and I know just for me....I am a better person because of all my kids but especially him. So when I talk about my feelings on having Brecken it is never feeling sorry for myself and even when I have those times where I have to go to my room and shut the door and just let the tears pour it is not because I sad he is here or mine. It is because I feel for him. As a mom you are only as happy as your saddest child and there are those days you don't want them to go through any of it. The stares, the difficulty doing things, any pain that they endure....the same as you would feel for any child who is going through a tough time. I am allowed to cry. I am allowed to mourn the lose of what I thought was supposed to be. I am allowed to want everything to be "normal". However I get up, wipe my face and walk out of my room knowing I have an amazing son and if I had to do it all over again...I would pick him every time.
Brecken....mama loves you more then you could even imagine!! You and your sisters are making me a better person just by having you in my daily life and I just want you to know how much you mean to me and that your smile and spirit make every morning worth waking up to see:) Stay you and keep going because I have a feeling your going to make a huge splash and do amazing things!!! You are my Superman!! I aa oo so so so much:)
